I am a fruit fly.
No I do not have a hundred eyes, fly with little wings, or subsist on rotting apples. I referred to myself as a fag hag for many years (and still occasionally do), but the term “fag hag” has taken on some rather unsavory implications. Depending on who you ask for a definition, a fag hag can simply be any girl who hangs around with gay men, or a fat, ugly, beastly, and controlling psycho-bitch looking to convert every homosexual male within a 50 mile radius into a straight man she can finally have.
Unfortunately, too many of the fag hags I’ve met in my life actually sort of fit that second description, thus leaving the rest of us with a reputation to recover from.
I am not that kind of fag hag. In trying to explain this to one of the boys at the store one night, he told me he would call me a fruit fly. And that suits me just fine. So now, I try to remember to call myself a fruit fly. The big logo at the top of the page helps some.
So what is a fruit fly exactly?
Apparently, the term “fruit fly” in the gay community once simply referred to a gay man, but it would seem this has fallen out of use in more recent times. More often, you will find the term fruit fly defined as being another way to describe a fag hag. I’ve searched the web for a suitable definition of fruit fly to refer to here, but I can’t quite find one that really works for me.
So, without further ado, I present to you my own special encyclopedia entry for fruit fly (a definition just doesn’t seem to cut it):
Fruit fly, noun:
A heterosexual female who prefers the company of homosexual men; similar to fag hag but with more positive connotations. She will befriend many gay men in her lifetime, usually having one specific “best” gay male friend, but will not fall in love with gay men, nor attempt to control their lives in any manner. She will provide companionship, friendship, and a female point of view when crisis arises, and will generally be a hell of a lot of fun when times are good. She will be a proud and outspoken supporter of the gay community and will take only a similarly supportive heterosexual male as her partner, though she will also have a life outside of the gay community because she is a well rounded type female. She will also, unlike many fag hags, find common ground with lesbians and also enjoy their company.
Ok, so maybe I’m just describing myself. But, um, you get the idea.
I love the look of your site and your politics. Wish you were in San Diego ’cause I could sure use some new friends to hang with. All of my “Fruit Fly” girlfriends got old and aren’t any fun any more. It was cool to have friends 15 years my senior when I was 30 but I just turned 50 and the old ladies just can’t hang…
Said by John Sparks June 21, 2005 at about 8:32 pm
Hope you don’t mind, but I quoted your fruit fly definition on a post I wrote- http://barbaralicious.blogspot.com/2005/07/my-fruit-fly.html
Great blog btw.
Said by Scott-O-Rama July 8, 2005 at about 4:24 pm
Okay, I know this is an old entry of yours but I had to comment. You are 100% correct about the dark side of the “fag hag” label. Yes, I have a lot of gay male freinds, but that does not mean that I sit at home trying to figure out ways to make them fall in love with me. I may have to start calling myself a fruitfly, as your definition fits me perfectly.
Said by Diana November 3, 2005 at about 4:12 pm
I absolutely love this. I am also the quintessential fruit fly, and I’ve looked for quite some time now for a good definition of “fruit fly” that adequately describes the many differences between fag hags and fruit flies. Thank you! I will use this (probably often), and cite your page as the source.
Said by Sara January 5, 2006 at about 3:49 pm
It saddens me that you feel the need to change your name to fruit fly. I first heard this awful term, at Pride 2 years ago and was sickened. I am a proud Fag Hag, and would never think of changing something that has been a sacred part of the gay community for many years. If outsiders give Fag Hags a negative connotation, it is their misperception. Why in the world would you change something based on a perception created by straight society. WOW!!! This goes against everything we stand for! What a contradiction! You say you have pride, and support the gay community, but its obvious, you’ve allowed some ignorant people to influence you rather than standing tall and saying “I’m a Hag dammit and I’m proud!!” Your definition of a fruit fly IS what a TRUE Fag Hag is.Anyone worth their salt knows this. Anyone who has given the term Fag Hag a negative image, dosn’t deserve the energy it took you to write your “fruit fly” definition. It hurts me deeply to see this happening. I am secure enough, and have enough respect for the Fag Hags who came before me to ever think I would even begin to have the RIGHT to change the term. While your at it, why don’t you just change the word Fag to Fruit. In my opinion, THAT is the offensive word when referring to our Fags. I would never say something like that, as it implies a sterotype. Fruit implies a flaming queen, and not all Fags are that.Mine certaintly isn’t. Do whatever you want, but you absolutely have no right outside of your right to express yourself in words, to change a term that has defined a group of women who are a beloved part of the gay community. I for one am a Hag dammit, and I am motherfucking proud!!!!!!Shame on you for not saying the same.
Said by amy July 5, 2006 at about 9:42 am
Unless I’m mistaken, you removed my comment. How interesting. I know the truth hurts honey, but you should accept certain facts. If you simply havn’t posted my comment, my bad. I hope you do post it as it is relevant to this important discussion.
Said by amy July 5, 2006 at about 4:58 pm
An open letter to Amy. Enjoy.
Said by Mel July 6, 2006 at about 3:32 am
I appreciate and love your definiiton of “fruit fly”. From one “fruit fly” to another - thank you for the positive portrayal. I believe that we have the best of both worlds, the love and companionship of our gay friends and the love and companionship of straight males. It takes a unique woman to be a “fuit fly” and I thank you for pointing out that we are strong, beautiful, amazing and full of life! We are an often criticized group, but we know better. Thank you!
Said by Stef October 4, 2006 at about 8:54 pm
Wow, I didn’t realize I could google the term “Fruit Fly” and actually get what I was looking for. I have recently been dubbed with the title. I have a friend that I met, I think, for the first time this summer, Then I found out that he is gay. I went out with him and some of his friends for the first time 2 weeks ago on a Friday night to a gay/lesbian bar. We socialized and watched the drag show and had a BLAST!! I told them that I had a better time with them than I have had on any straight date I had been on. They immediately made me feel like part of the group. I don’t have very many friends and it was wonderful to have a group of guys take to me so well without having to wonder if they were just wanting a “piece”. Thank you for this site and the definition. I think I will have to quote you on my MySpace page.
Said by Christy October 30, 2006 at about 12:12 am
I’m a gay man who’s fed up with the dating scene. Do you have recomendations on how i can find eligle ‘flies’? There seems to be a dating site for every kind of connection but this kind.
Any advice?
Thanks.
Said by Kyle in Milwaukee, WI November 5, 2006 at about 3:32 pm
cool blog
Said by cnfm March 8, 2007 at about 4:24 pm
so im doing a project for school and this popped up! at first i thought it was just one of those emo-non realalistic websites but it turns out i was wrong. im actually kinda opposite of you when it comes to all the technology stuff. i love gay people but i go to a school where thats not something we think about. i guess what im trying to tell you is this: continue to wirte and express your opinions because i respect what you have to say and obviously alot of other peple do too. you made a smal difference in the world to some one and i think thats awesome.
also before i say good bye i just want you to try one thing, read a couple virsus of the bible or go to a catholic church just once. it really made a difference in my life and i think it will in yours also.
thanks. -a friend
Said by 7dont really want to say June 4, 2007 at about 6:10 pm
Yep, its true! Check it out:
http://www.AFruitFli.com
http://www.FruitFli.com
http://www.myspace.com/afruitfli
NYC’s FruitFli, Jamie
Said by AFruitFli August 14, 2007 at about 9:36 am
Why must we call ourselves anything at all? The first time someone suggested I was a fag hag, I was offended. Who the F* wants to be called a HAG? They may as well have called me an old witch or ugly old lady. While the term fruit fly fits for most commenters who have written here, and has a cute wryness to it, I won’t accept that either… it’s too trite for me. I’m not much on labels. Just be yourself and don’t put others in boxes. If you don’t like a label that’s given to you, simply ignore it. People who label you are lesser than you are, and not worth your time.
Said by jane October 5, 2007 at about 7:27 pm
*sigh*
It’s really amusing to me how many people love to jump on this “why must you label yourself anything” idea. Labels, simply put, are a part of life. Just like I’m white, I’m female, I’m tall, I’m smart, or whatever else you want to label me as. That’s how it works. We get categorized by something.
That being said, the label of “Fruit Fly” I apply to myself firmly with tongue planted in cheek. Firmly, and clearly, if you take the time to poke around a bit on the site. If you come here, this is all you read and you decide that I’m boxing myself into something, well then, you’re pigeonholing me just the same as anyone else is.
Listen here: All of you, lighten up. Those who take this label (or the fag hag label) so seriously likely need to discover that identity is not tied up in a label. Those who preach the “labels are bad” need to realize that sometimes people like to call themselves things, and frequently it’s just for fun or simplification.
There are so many other things in the world that need serious discussion - this is not one of them. No really, take your seriousness elsewhere, where it’s wanted and needed. Thanks so much!
Said by Mel October 5, 2007 at about 11:02 pm
Thanks, Mel, for this post (and blog). I ran across the term “fruit fly” only recently (guess I must’ve been living in a cave), wondered how long it’s been around, Googled it, and found this. I think “fruit fly” is quite cute, lighthearted, one could even say sprightly in connotation, and much preferable to the old “fag hag”. Thanks for defining it so neatly.
Lordy, the Net is full of trolls though, ain’t it?
Said by no_burlap December 15, 2007 at about 10:11 pm
i just came across your page when searching a proper definition of a fruit fly. YOURS IS FAB! and i totally recognise myself within it, i’m looking forward to check out your other postings
p.s. amy needs a chill pill and a cup of tea! and a reminder not to take herself so seriously!
Said by iva May 27, 2009 at about 5:46 pm