When it rains, it pours. In more ways than one, I am in high demand right now, and the supply is limited. This is why it’s a bit quiet ’round these parts. I had intended to write something about how April 20, 2006 is the 15 year anniversary of the loss of my virginity, but I decided you don’t really need to know all those details. (Not those details, pervs. I was just going to tell a story.) But time is precious, and it would take me too long to churn out that story at the moment.

So, I give to you some other good things to keep you occupied. (All of these things are linked from my sidebar over there, but I have a sneaking suspicion that no one ever actually looks at those links…)

Copy, Right? - Collections of cover tunes to download, mostly of the odd or obscure variety. Priceless gems to be found there, but you gotta keep up. Liza only leaves the links up for a limited time.

videos.antville.org - A daily dose of some of the best (and worst) in the world of music videos. (Since you can’t really find these on TV anymore.)

ZenDot - Send a friend a giant ear. Just a giant ear. Or a cow. ZenDot sends out gifts unboxed. That is, they put a label on something and mail it without putting it in a box first. From their FAQ:

Q: How do you do dat? Does the Post Office allow this?

A: Listen, don’t try this at home. We are professionals with professional mailing expertise trained by professional experts with special professional permits. You have no idea what we went through to get the required license from the U-nited States P.O. to do this. First there were forms; then more forms and more forms. Then came the interviews, the background checks, the fingerprinting, the retinal scans, the certifications, the double secret swear. A few of us are still in therapy.

I just think this is such a cool idea, I have to pimp it out some.

The Comics Curmudgeon - Making fun of the funny pages. In a loving way.

And while you’re looking for ways to pass the time, if you’re a fan of animation, consider signing my petition to Cartoon Network to cease airing live action programming. I know there are worse things out there in the world to rage against, but cartoons are one of the things I credit with helping me maintain the little bit of sanity I’ve got left while dealing with all of those things (granted, that’s not a lot), and dammit, I want CARTOON Network to keep showing them. Yes, petitions are passé, but I’ve never claimed to be one of the cool kids.

Today started off bad. I woke up late, there were issues with the water in our building (this is an all too common occurrence), and a lovely hairball was waiting on me in the living room when I made it in there. It only got worse from there…

Some twat apparently decided that Diverse Universe would look better with a brick through the window last night. I mean, the moron didn’t actually make it through the double paned glass, and it looks worse now, what with the duct tape and plywood to protect it, than it did after he had his little bit of fun, but he did manage to do enough damage that repair is going to cost more than I make in a month.

(I have never understood the need for destructive vandalism. As a teenager, I won’t deny that I left my mark in a few places with the aid of a Sharpie from time to time - though now I couldn’t for the life of me explain why I needed to do that - but I never felt the need to actually cause real damage to anything. What is it that drives people to do such stupid things?)

Then there was work to do, and customers in the stores, and busy, busy, busy. The people that technically own my leased car called to inquire as to why I had not yet made the March payment. (Um, because I don’t have the money at the moment?) And with the whole running late thing, I didn’t have a chance to grab something to take for lunch today and we were too busy for me to run over to the lovely Drug Mart across the street to grab a snack, so I didn’t have anything to eat from about 12:30 till closing. Not eating for more than 8 waking hours makes me a little grumpy.

What I mean to say is that today sucked.

But then, I got home. As soon as I walked in the door, I knew something was weird. The smell of garlic permeated the air… I looked at David and said “What did you try to cook?” (A. He RARELY cooks. B. I wouldn’t think he would cook with garlic if he was going to, since he’s always complaining that I use too much garlic in my cooking. C. When he does try to cook, it usually means a big mess in the kitchen for me to clean up.)

“Um. Dinner for you. Or at least I tried to… I don’t know if it’s any good… I think it might be too garlicky.”

Sweetie, I have tried to tell you before, there is no such thing!

Anyway.

Fearing the worst, I peered into the dish. Ok, it looked alright. I took a bite. I nearly drooled on myself.

“Yum! Honey, this is wonderful! Thank you!!”

After consuming a large serving of the most wonderful garlic/olive oil/red pepper pasta (low carb pasta of course) dish I’ve had in a while, I noticed he’d cleaned up the kitchen too.

“Yeah, I made a big mess when I was making that so I had to clean it up.”

Wow… I was speechless. (Knocking me speechless is a real feat, ladies and gentlemen.) Sometimes he can really be sweet. These are the days when I start to feel guilty about occasionally plotting his demise.

Stuffed, and feeling oh so much better, I went to change into my around-the-house-clothes, and noticed the mail. Why was there a letter from my dad there?

I opened it. Cute card, we miss you, letter inside. Unfolded the letter and a check fell out. A BIG check. No, like, nearly a month’s salary big check. I - and I mean this quite literally - fell to the floor where I had but a moment before been standing and began to hyperventilate a little bit.

The timing - for both my boyfriend and my father - couldn’t have been better.

Now, the real reason I’m telling you all this is really just that I wanted to share the letter my dad enclosed. (Which I read after I’d managed to start breathing normally again.)

Dear Grown Kid, [I’m guessing they sent one of these whoppers to my step brother too]

We just wanted to give each of you a little lift today. Not expecting eternal gratitude and not trying to buy love, but thought how nice it would have been when we were younger just to get a little unexpected prosperity once in a while.

Only thing we ask in return is that you read the following paragraph, and consider that you might be getting good advice from some older souls:

Only condition for cashing this check is that whatever you do with the money, you spend at least a little having a good time. We have all kinds of wants that sometimes feel like needs, but which we deny ourselves because of what seem to be more pressing needs. Don’t neglect to give yourself something you want, for no other reason than it’s good to be good to yourself - as in all things, with something like moderation.

Night on the town would be our advice, but your old thirtysomething heads might be somewhere else; so disregard that specific advice as much as you want to.

Also be moderate about being moderate. Any virtue taken to an extreme is a vice.

With love,

Reading something like that might give you a tiny bit of insight as to why my mind works the way it does. I was raised like that. (Though, I was NOT raised with extravagant gifts of large checks. This is a new development - as we were poorer than dirt when I was growing up. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.)

Just a few hours ago I was dead tired and dragging my ass home from work. Right now I’m so hyper and jazzed up with happiness and a good dinner that I didn’t have to cook, I don’t think I’ll sleep for a few more hours.

And of course, I’ve got some product research to do. Though I know that many of you will think me crazy for wanting to spend a windfall on such an item, I’ve been talking about buying one of these for over a year, and now, I really can. (Though I haven’t yet decided on the exact model, this is the one I like best so far.)

With this, I might be able to go from a roller coaster day to actually fitting my big ass into the roller coasters at Cedar Point comfortably. (Don’t ask, you don’t want to know.)

Cartoon Network, what’s happening to you?

We used to get along so well. I’ve always loved you so, and you - in your own way - showed me love in return. But, you’ve changed. I’m writing this open letter to you to try and save our relationship, a relationship that means a lot to me.

I can well remember the first time I laid eyes on you. As a lifelong cartoon fan, I was in heaven to find such compatibility, and though I’m sure you had no idea I existed, you made me very happy. Those heady days when I was falling in love with you are peppered with fond memories of 2 Stupid Dogs, Cow & Chicken, Dexter’s Lab, I Am Weasel, and the late night joy of Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Over the years you’ve given me so much to love, what with Sheep in the Big City, Johnny Bravo, The Powerpuff Girls, Samurai Jack, The Justice League, Duck Dodgers, Camp Lazlo, Time Squad, and of course the beautiful brilliance that is Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends. When you presented me with a diamond in the form of Adult Swim, that cemented my devotion. Though I still miss the weirdness that was Oh Canada at times, the strange wonders of The Brak Show, Harvey Bidrman, Home Movies, Sealab 2021, Squidbillies, Perfect Hair Forever, The Venture Brothers, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Mission Hill - not to mention the reruns of Family Guy and Futurama - have kept me happy while I battled the usual nightly bouts of insomnia.

To be fair, there have been moments where I’ve doubted my complete devotion before. You bore me from time to time with such offerings as Mike, Lu & Og, Ed, Edd & Eddy, and Whatever Happened to Robot Jones, but even with those I will still choose you over many other channels. Some of my doubts have been proven wrong over time, so I can forgive you a few boring moments here and there. I have learned to love Courage the Cowardly Dog, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, Teen Titans, Codename: Kids Next Door, Tom Goes to the Mayor, Robot Chicken, Hi Hi Puffy Amiyumi, and Juniper Lee. I even discovered a place in my heart for anime with the epic story of Fullmetal Alchemist. (And yes, I will admit that I’ve enjoyed InuYasha a time or two.)

As in any long term relationship, there are things about you that I feel we need to work on a bit. Whenever you’re around little kids, your mentality goes to such schmaltzy pap as Muppet Babies, Captain Planet, and Krypto The Superdog when I’m sure there are better choices out there. I realize at those times it’s not me you’re trying to reach and it’s just a quirk of your personality that you have trouble treating kids as though they have a brain, so I try to be forgiving. You have, in the past, been guilty of spending too much time with old standards like Scooby Doo, The Flinstones, and the myriad sappy Land Before Time movies. But even without my complaining to you, in the last few years these transgressions have not been so great, and since your friend Boomerang appeared on the scene, many of the old (and bad) Hanna-Barbera toons have stayed at his place instead. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from some betrayals completely - Totally Spies, Super Milk-Chan and 12 Oz. Mouse come to mind - but I’ve always felt that in time I could work through it.

However.

Lately there have been moments where I feel like this love affair might be coming to an end, as sad as I am to say. Recent selections for the Cartoon Theater have really rubbed me the wrong way. Small Soldiers and Dumb & Dumber are not only awful choices in a general sense - they’re not animated. How can you still call it Cartoon Theater when animation isn’t present? I have to cop to loving The Goonies - but again, it’s not animated and really has no place in our life together. And with tonight’s announcement, I fear you may have struck the final blow.

Please - for the sake of my heart - please, please, please reconsider the addition of Saved By The Bell to the Adult Swim line up. If you don’t, I honestly don’t know if I can go on loving you, and that saddens me more than you will ever understand. I will always want to be friends - but I might just start spending more time with Nicktoons. He’s a poor man’s substitute, to be sure, but Invader Zim and Angry Beavers can be enough to help ease the pain, if need be.

(Though it may be that “Saved By The Bell” is a joke - please, oh please, let it be - I still maintain that showing live action on the channel is a BAD thing overall.)

live action programming on cartoon network, saved by the bell on adult swim

** Edited a bit later to add: I am such a geek. If you are a cartoon lover like me, and you agree, please take a moment to sign my petition to Cartoon Network. Yes, I know this is not a life altering sort of thing and it shouldn’t matter that much to me, but it does. I love my cartoons.

I have recently become enamored with a bit of classic literature. It began innocently enough, when on StumbleUpon I came across The Oscar Wilde Collection. Oscar Wilde has always been somewhat intriguing to me, but I’d never actually read any of his work, save for a few random quips here and there. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I’ve now completed The Picture of Dorian Gray and The Importance of Being Earnest, both of which I enjoyed quite a bit. I also spent a bit of time reading about Oscar Wilde himself… despite a perceptible misogyny in his writing - which could well be attributed to many influences in his life as well as the thinking of the time - he’s a fascinating figure. And of course, my fascination with him goes right along with my fruit fly status, given that he was known for a fondness for the “love that dare not speak its name.”

Then I breezily clicked over to Project Gutenberg. (Oh, this is an avid reader’s wet dream, boys and girls. How have I missed this before? Now I just need about 8 more waking hours a day to be truly happy.) Poking around at PG’s site led me to a listing of works by Guy de Maupassant. I can remember reading “The Necklace” as a freshman in high school and being fascinated by it, and I knew a little about his status as the father of the modern short story. (Short stories being my favorite forms of literature.) What caught my eye tonight though was the title of one of his novels, Bel Ami.

In my current day world, the phrase Bel Ami conjures images of pretty young men having sex with each other. You see, Bel Ami is the brand name for a quite prominent line of gay porn titles, in fact, I would venture the Bel Ami titles are the most popular of the adult DVDs in our store. And just yesterday, I had the occasion to watch a few moments of one, as a customer had complained that the copy of A+ he had rented would not play. I popped it in just for a moment to see if it played on our DVD player at the store. (It did, in case you were thinking of stopping in to rent it.)

Which is why, tonight as I began reading Guy de Maupassant’s novel Bel Ami, a nagging thought kept tugging at the back of my brain. Did the porn company get its name from Guy de Maupassant, or was it just some strange coincidence? A few chapters in, some bell when off in my head… Georges Duroy is the main character in this novel. I knew that name from somewhere…

As a lark, I looked up the information on a Bel Ami porn title, and sure enough, the producer’s given name is George Duroy.

Who knew you could link gay porn and classic literature that easily? Though I doubt there is any such connection for Jack Rabbit titles. Then again, I never did actually read all of Watership Down…

I’ve ignored most of the holidays as they’ve come and gone, at least as far as my writing here goes. I have nothing good to say about Valentine’s Day or its bastard child, this weird “Sweetest Day” thing that’s big up here in Ohio. Since I found out my family is NOT actually Irish (as we thought we were for many years - but no, we’re Scotch) St. Patrick’s Day means nothing to me anymore. (Ok, I’ll be honest. It never really has meant anything to me. I hate beer, much less green beer, and not being a Christian - and definitely not a Catholic - I don’t have any special reverence for that St. Patrick fellow. Not that drinking green beer actually has much to do with him anyway.) Easter, aside from being the time of year that Cadbury eggs are abundant, hasn’t meant much to me since my last Easter Egg hunt at about 10 years of age. (And since I do the whole low carb nutso thing now, the Cadbury eggs are more vexing than happiness inducing, since I can’t have any.) I’ve never understood Memorial Day and Labor Day, aside from the fact that it means a lot of people are off work. (I mean, I know the reason for them, but I’ve never quite understood why it means cooking out and drinking large quantities of alcohol.) Thanksgiving has never been a big deal in my family, so I never really got into it either. Halloween used to be fun, but somewhere along the way, I just sort of lost my exuberance for it. I haven’t dressed up in a costume for Halloween since I was 16. (I really ought to think about changing that one though. Halloween’s a cool holiday.)

Most of the holidays throughout the year mean nothing more than “We’ll be dead at the store today.” or “We’ll be swamped at the store today.” or the more rare (but relished), “Wooo! I get an extra day off cause we’re closed today!”

And really, April Fools’ Day doesn’t even mean that to me. I’m working, but it’s not a holiday that really has any sort of impact on sales of porn or gift items, so we’re neither swamped nor dead, but reveling in the normal Saturday traffic. So I was planning on mostly ignoring it.

Then I was reading a couple of the lists of the creative April Fools’ jokes on the web, like the pretty spiffy WordPattern (of special note are the trackbacks on the announcement where you can’t even tell if some people are taking it seriously or not, and the actual existence of a download file… great attention to detail guys), and Google Romance, which actually isn’t as creative and well done as Google’s usual April 1 fodder. I always dig most of them - they’re good for a few laughs. But I kept finding comments from people, or links to their own blog rants, about how much of an annoyance April Fools’ Day is to them, lots of snipes at the “lameness” of certain ones, or even that April Fools’ has no place in the technology world because it apparently messes up stock markets worldwide. (I had no idea, really.)

Come ON people, LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!

A sense of humor is really one of the best tools you can wield in the face of real life. (And, just as a personal note, it’s the one trait that can trump nearly all shortcomings when evaluating whether I like people, and wow, can it up a guy’s sexy-o-meter rating.) It’s the only thing that keeps most people sane I think, and you folks have really got to get one. April Fools’ is only one day a year (in my ideal world, something that inspires this kind of creativity would be a monthly or weekly event), and most of the intelligent people in the world (of which, admittedly, there are too few) know to expect some silliness on this day. As for the people that are actually falling for these jokes - well, all I have to say is that it became known as April FOOLS’ Day for a reason, you know?

Sorry about the pissy nature of my post on this humor holiday, but I find it very sad that people can’t let the corn cob fall out of their ass for one day and laugh a little.

To the rest of you, happy April Fools’ Day, and if you’ve found a particularly good web prank, please share. I love these things, and obviously, I could use a good laugh right about now.