I found in my logs that someone got to this blog by searching for “why are fag hags fat?” Ok, since you asked me this question (albeit indirectly), I’ll attempt to give you my non-professional opinion on the topic. Being a fat fag hag myself, I have a little personal insight into the matter. (Well, these days I’m just a big fruit fly, having ditched most of the weight and having shed the undesirable title I don’t think I ever truly deserved… but I still think I’m qualified to tell you the answer.)

Before I even get started, let me run this disclaimer first: THIS IS A GENERALIZATION. In fact, this is a generalization that references a lot of stereotypes. Yes, I do know there are exceptions, so spare me the cutting rebuttals please. Stereotypes, good or bad, come into being for a reason; they don’t just appear overnight. If you are an exception to any of the generalizations I’m about to present, all I can say is: good for you, here’s your cookie. (For the record, I count myself as part of the stereotypes in many ways, so I know of what I speak.)

For those of you not familiar with the phenomenon (I’m guessing most straight guys know little about this), as a general rule, most fag hags are fat girls. Some are just chunky, some are very, very large. Walk into any gay club and you’re bound to find at least 4 or 5 (if not many more) big straight girls hanging out with the boys, dancing and drinking and having a wonderful time. One of the things I find least realistic about Queer As Folk is the complete absence of any hags. (Michael did have that one girl friend - a skinny girl, no less - in the first season that he worked with, but she doesn’t technically qualify because she didn’t know he was gay.)

So why is it that so often the female companions of gay men are fat chicks?

It’s really a simple answer, and if you’d thought about it for a second before asking, you’d probably figure it out for yourself.

In our culture, big girls are seen as less attractive, and it is assumed by many that those of us of a larger persuasion are lazy, and (for reasons unfathomable to me) unintelligent. Because of this, fat chicks generally don’t get a lot of attention from straight men, unless they have a cute skinny friend that the guys want to talk to. (I can cite many instances of being the fat friend. The guys would strike up a conversation with me, because I wasn’t threatening, so that they could talk to the cute blonde who was hanging out with me without fear of being shot down by her. Many instances.) Fat girls don’t get hit on most of the time, and when they do, it’s likely to be last call and the drunkest guy in the joint. Or one of the jerkoffs that make a sport out of “hogging.”

And this is where the gay boys come in. Gay men, while being some of the most critical judges of appearance for other men, are generally willing to overlook appearance factors in women. A straight woman is companionship, and ONLY companionship. There is no need for them to be attracted to the girl in any way. What really matters when it comes to their fag hag is how much fun she is, what a good shoulder she is to cry on, or how willing she is to bail him out of a bad situation. Basically, she only needs to be a friend.

A fat chick finds a way to fill the void of male attention with this, the gay boy gets a girl friend to hang out with. The male attention is sometimes overwhelming, in fact. I can tell you that personally, one of the myriad reasons I preferred going to the gay clubs to dance was that I got to dance with some of the HOTTEST guys in the room, in the most sexual manner, without having to worry if he was going to misread the fact that I was rubbing all over his ass for 10 minutes and think that meant I wanted to go home and fuck him. Likewise, the gay man gets a girl to strut his stuff with, a girl to take as a date to places where he can’t be out for whatever reason, and a truly (or at least so he thinks) uncomplicated friendship. He can dance and flirt with her all night, even grab a boob or two. (There are two kinds of gay men: those who are disgusted by any part of the female body and so dislike boobs, or those who are simply fascinated by those mounds of jiggly flesh. Seriously.)

So that, my dear Googler, is why so many fag hags are fat. I’m not quite done yet though. Keep reading.

There are problems with this little arrangement sometimes, and these complications are what have led to fag hags having a really bad reputation.

Unfortunately, often the fag hag becomes enamored with her boy. He flirts a lot, and is usually suggestive, albeit in a joking manner. Having lacked that male attention in the past, many girls will glom on to this and start to misread. They will imagine that the boy is really straight, and those advances - the boob grabbing and booty rubbing on the dance floor - start to feel real to them. They suddenly find themselves in love with their chosen gay man, and this is when the trouble starts. Many of them will try to hide these feelings, knowing deep down that their boy will reject them because he’s not interested in vaginas, so they become slyly manipulative and controlling. They become possessive, they get defensive, and they generally start acting like a jealous wife. Eventually the friendship will deteriorate beyond repair, whether because she finally owns up to her feelings or he just gets sick of being treated like a husband.

It’s a bad experience for the gay man and the fag hag to go through. The boy loses someone he thought was a good friend, the girl loses her friend and feels rejected, just to add to the issues. Most times the friendship ends in an ugly manner and leads to lots of nastiness from both sides. Fag hags and gay boys can be the cattiest bitches on Earth.

I’ve managed to avoid this trap myself. The only gay man I ever “fell for” was Marshall, and that was only before I knew he was gay. (I had no gaydar back then.) Once I knew I wasn’t his type, I was over it, and we’ve been best friends ever since. This is, of course, why I adopted the label of fruit fly.

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As a bonus to anyone who made it this far, here are the latest search terms that have made me wonder a bit (since that’s how I got started on this topic in the first place):

fruit shit (Do I even want to know?)
can you find me a poem about cycle of rock
cheery fruit fly
children love to pick fruit (Ok, thanks for sharing.)
arab boys pubic hair (This one has shown up a couple of times.)
www.my space for 14 year old.com (Yes, that was the actual search.)

and

masturbation mixtape (You need specific music for this? I guess there’s always fluffertrax, but without the accompanying video, why bother?)